Letting Go of “What Should Have Been” – and the Anxiety That Comes With It

If you’ve ever felt like you’ve checked every box, followed every step, and still didn’t end up where you thought you’d be—welcome to the club. It’s frustrating, exhausting, and honestly? A little soul-crushing.

I know that feeling all too well. I was raised on the idea that hard work leads to success, that doing everything “right” meant getting the outcome I wanted. And yet, life doesn’t always work like a well-planned recipe. Sometimes, you follow all the steps, but the cake still doesn’t rise.

That’s why my conversation with Dr. Alicia Hodge, a clinical psychologist specializing in helping Black women navigate anxiety, was such a game-changer. She broke down why so many of us feel stuck, even when we’re doing all the “right” things—and more importantly, how to move forward without carrying the weight of disappointment.

Why We Feel Stuck (Even When We’re Doing Everything Right)

Dr. Hodge shared that about 70% of her clients feel this way. It’s not just about personal effort—it’s about societal expectations shaping what we think we should want. And when reality doesn’t align with the vision we had for ourselves? Cue the stress, the self-doubt, and the internal panic that maybe we just aren’t “doing enough.”

The truth? Sometimes, the path we’ve been walking isn’t actually leading where we need to go. And that’s not a failure—it’s just a sign that it’s time to pivot.

Mourning the “What Ifs”

Letting go of an old dream or expectation isn’t as simple as deciding to move on. Dr. Hodge emphasized that it’s okay—even necessary—to mourn the version of life you thought you’d have. You can feel disappointed while still embracing new possibilities.

And here’s the kicker: you don’t have to choose just one emotion. You can be grateful for where you are and still be sad about what didn’t happen. You can be excited about a new direction and still feel anxious about stepping into the unknown.

Tools to Reframe & Move Forward

So, what now? Dr. Hodge recommends a few ways to start shifting your mindset and easing that anxiety:

• Breathing Techniques – Simple but powerful. Regulating your breath signals to your brain that you’re safe, even when your mind is spiraling.
• Curating Your Social Media – Unfollow the accounts that make you feel behind, inadequate, or stuck in comparison mode. Fill your feed with content that uplifts and inspires.
• Giving Yourself Permission to Change – Just because you set a goal five years ago doesn’t mean it still has to be the goal. It’s okay to shift. It’s okay to redefine success.

The Bottom Line

The anxiety of feeling like you’re running in circles is real. So is the frustration of working hard and not seeing the results you expected. But what if the goal isn’t just to “achieve” something, but to allow yourself to evolve?

Dr. Hodge reminded me that our worth isn’t tied to an outcome. We’re allowed to pivot, to rewrite our plans, and to not know exactly what comes next. Because sometimes, letting go of what was “supposed to be” is the only way to make space for what could be.

Want to dive deeper into this conversation? Watch the full interview with Dr. Alicia Hodge on The Funky Intellect YouTube channel and tune into The Funky Intellect Podcast for more real talk on anxiety, personal growth, and finding your way—on your own terms.